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|WHO ARE THESE GUYS?!!!!|
|The Video TapeWorm began as a publication of the
Louisville Eccentric Observer in 1997,
poking fun at the world of home-video and cable-TV. You may also have seen it syndicated in other
AAN newsweeklies from Hawaii to New York, but we doubt it.
The authors are also created a pair of daily/weekly features called "TV Weak" for
TVData Corp., appearing in mainstream newspapers throughout the US and Canada.
They have since independantly published several books and are available for children's parties,
light yardwork, and small-engine repair.
"Wild Bill" Raker:
William Kennedy Rockefeller Raker III began his life amid wealth and power in a mansion in The Hamptons; outside, a celestial conjunction spelled out his name in the firmament. His astounding intellect was obvious from birth, successfully arguing with the delivery physician that Birth did not exist in a strict Jungian sense and, therefore, he did not need a Birth Certificate. The doctor slapped his mother.
At the age of two he won the Nobel Prize for potty; by six he had discovered the cure for cancer (proving that doctors did it for the money); and at nine he invented a cough syrup that didn't taste like Diet Coke. While still a youth his intellectual prowess and astounding charisma were credited with averting World War III, the collapse of the Soviet Union, and Gerald Ford's presidency. By his sixteenth birthday his followers numbered in the millions, proclaiming him The Chosen One in nearly one hundred of the world's great religions. Universal, cosmic peace was at hand. Then tragedy struck.
After a routine morning of curing lepers in the Black Hole of Calcutta, Mother Teresa invited him into a bar for a round of tequila shooters. It was there that Bill first saw television. An old 15-inch black-and-white Philco was playing Roger Corman's Attack of the Giant Leeches. His mind reeled at the bad writing, the insane plot, the childish special effects. "It must mean something " he was heard to mutter as he clutched it with both hands, pressing his face tight against the screen. By the afternoon he had found an Ed Wood Jr. festival; by nightfall he was into the hard stuff: From Hell it Came, Godzilla vs. Monster Zero, and even I Was a Teenage Werewolf. By the end of the week he was a broken man, little more than a drooling slave to his remote control.
Doctors still work around the clock but his case is considered hopeless -- even if they could wean him from his cruel mistress, his mind is too far gone for conventional society. Only a shadowy figure known as "Dave" can communicate with him, but no one has a clue as to what they are talking about. He spends his days staring blank and bug-eyed at a TV, scribbling supposedly witty remarks about his favorite movies, or writing wild and ridiculous biographies. Outside, a hungry world waits.
David "King of the 'B's " King:
The mysterious Mr. King is certainly an enigma. An enigma wrapped in a riddle. Wrapped in a riddle, dipped in chocolate and lightly sprinkled with toasted sesame. No, wait ... that's a recipe for sopaipillas ...
And like that famous Spanish confection, Dave is a sweet man, crunchy when he has to be. Sticky and obviously fattening. This isn't working, is it? Okay, we have no friggin' idea WHO the hell Dave is or where he comes from. He shows up late, eats all the food in the fridge -- even the stuff marked "MINE!" -- and never, EVER chips in on gas. We'd vote him off the island, but all the women just seem to flock whenever he shows up. Man, that ticks me off! Uh, where was I?
Oh, yeah. Dave is certainly an enigma. And his simple countenance belies the deeply philosophical nature of a true visionary. But we wish just once he'd quit all the "guru" crap and sit down and write a stinkin' biography -- or at least stop slinging poo at the rest of us workin' stiffs!
With a silent nod and wave of his hand he assures the faithful that a heaping handful of helpful history will arrive shortly. Please stay tuned.
Dave "The Amazing" Conover,
Co-Founder and Vermiculatus Emeritus of The Video TapeWorm:
The being currently known as Dave is in reality just a large brain, oft found floating in a dirty fishbowl on the endtable of his partner, Bill Raker. He spends his days comfortably suspended in a solution of three parts saline to one part vermouth.
His whereabouts prior to 1963 remain sketchy, but he claims to have resided in most of the crowned heads of Europe for the better part of a century, where he learned absolutely nothing. In '63 he moved to Paris where he moved freely amongst the hollow noggins of several prominent French film critics and was horrified to witness his first bid for World Domination degenerate into the infamous Cult du Jerrey Lewis. By late '73, he had escaped across the Atlantic and arranged to have himself surgically implanted into the cranium of budding quizmaster Alex Trebek. There he remained for nearly two decades, steadily absorbing all of mankind's accumulated knowledge. In 1993 he moved into smaller quarters previously owned by David T. Conover, a budding playwright and part-time toilet brush. It was there he met Bill and hatched his second try for World Domination.
In a plan of Machiavellian monstrosity, Dave has tricked Ford Motor Company engineers into designing him an indestructible cybernetic body -- they think it is just a special-order Expedition. As of this very writing dazed and lifeless third-shift workers at the Louisville Truck Assembly Plant are mindlessly toiling on the means of their own destruction, unaware of the horror that awaits them when it reaches the final station.
Unfortunately the colors Dave has chosen are not factory standard, so World Domination will be delayed at least six months. His hobbies include throbbing, pulsating, and probing the minds of Baywatch cast members.